I feel as if my life is on hold while in this distant land, traipsing the vibrant landscape almost aimlessly though with purpose. The days and nights are in slow motion and all that happens quickly are emotional highs and lows.
The vibrant colors continue to mesmerize me, as I fill my spare time sitting under a trellis of vines and magenta flowers.
I am bored and currently overly disappointed.
I feel foolish.
Perhaps one of the biggest things I am struggling with is feeling like if this experience does not pan out to all that I had hoped, does this mean I have been wrong all these years about my calling and passion and line of work… or does it simply mean that moving to Africa for 3 months is not something I am willing to do again in my future employment situations?
I'm quite tired of being asked why I haven't had babies yet, why I left my husband at home, why I'm fat in some pictures and not in others (apparently in showing pictures of the last 3 years to locals I'm fat in some and now I'm skinny...).
I have been at work for a very short six days now, and in that time I have watched a Norplant (birth control mechanism) removal, 15 people get tested for HIV/AIDS, counseled 2 women on the different family planning choices and spent the rest of the 5 ½ days simply sitting there in the waiting room watching the minutes pass.
I am hopeful I will be able to head to the field in the near future but there are some bureaucracy issues that need to be addressed and until they do I’m out of work… hoping to be back by next Monday.
My toes are glowing courtesy of the polish my host sister purchased on my behalf. I asked for pink or purple… perhaps I should have been a bit more specific.
Possibly one of the many things adding to my state of frustration is that all this down time and slow pace affords much time for self analysis and reflection; maybe, that which disturbs me about the silence, so too bothers me about the lack of a hurried pace.
Regarding silence, I have come to embrace the theory that we as humans are afraid of silence, though some may argue… and if that’s the case, I will accept this theory only applies to me. For I have discovered it is in the silence that one finds themselves engulfed in thoughts, thoughts that sound often drown out.
For I sit in the silence…existing in silence…and this silence has welled up deafening thoughts; thoughts and emotions of anger, frustration and bitter sorrow which all too often result in no solace and only add to the existing thoughts and emotions and overall frustration.
I sit here, miles from all that brings me comfort and contemplate an eloquent way to express this pressure and I have tried to skillfully choose words and metaphors that would bring me satisfaction opposed to resentment as a result of mulling over the same things again and again.
Yet it appears once again that my efforts and desires to achieve such an outcome is unattainable and I fear these musings will too make you grow tired and weary…pushing you further away from a shared experience and driving one to conclude I enjoy wallowing in my discomfort.
Who am I to complain? For in less than 70 days I will return to all that is comfortable and aside from starting the rat race for a job, all will be fine.
The depravity and the devastation here is more than I could bear to live in for the rest of my life...the "backward" way in which everything operates and the corruption is thick... yet even the locals have hope and are joyful...
Patience.
Perspective shift.
It's hard balancing the right to have emotions and knowing how unbelievabely blessed I am... and pondering entitlement of my blessing... like why I was born an Americaan and not an African. By no doing of my own I was born into more privlidge... I could spend hours pondering this delemia.
Who am I to complain?
The view from I am currently writing
Purple toes
You want me to go to the bathroom where????
2 comments:
I really like the puple "varnish"
The culture is different. The work ethic is different. The skill level, organization, and resources are all very different. I believe that is why work (besides FSD not doing their job) is very hard and frustrating. Maybe this is why it is so difficult to evoke change and progress in many countries. Maybe it was the lesson that you may want to work more within the US. Or perhaps to help and work in an US based office and send other people to Africa. All are very good lessons. If nothing else, you got to experience a new culture and you will have a new found love for all you have in the US.
yay chacos! i hope they're treating you well!
that's a nice toilet! it's clean and all porcelain...no cockroaches :)
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