The sun is finally starting to break through the overcast sky as I sit here in a wooden chair, listening to the birds chirp, trying to calm, to sooth this heavy little heart of mine. A slight breeze blows producing an occasional chill, yet the feeling of suffocation that often accompanies the emotion of longing for her hinders me from entering the stuffy shelter inside.
My mood is quite somber today. Days like today I struggle with regret reflecting on opportunities missed to really cherish her, love her, enjoy her and acknowledge what a wonderful mother she was. My mind races with all that I would do if I had another opportunity, silly I know as I will never have that privilege. Just a game the mind plays. I mourn this loss and long to sit and laugh with her, cry and be consoled, call and hear her voice, be near and smell the heartwarming scent that belonged to only her.
Her passing four years ago came as such a shock. Having seen her just 10 days earlier, I didn’t anticipate returning from Africa to learn death had swallowed up life. Cheated, I missed the opportunity to share the great adventure with her, not only of my life transforming time in Africa, but of all that I had and have yet to experience.
Sitting here in Africa once again, where death touches so many, I feel my emotions are inappropriate and instead of bitter sorrow, I should be elated with joy, blessed and thankful for the 23 years we shared together… but I am not, I want more and selfishly and inappropriately feel owed more.
I continue to think the longing will lessen, the tears will fade, the anger and sorrow will cease. But days like today, I am overwhelmed and alone.
Here in Africa, listening to the birds chirp, feeling the sun rays break through the clouds, I am sitting here, crying, in a wooden chair, yearning for my mom.
3 comments:
Wow the flowere are just amazing. I am sorry you had a hard day, but I guess there is really no way around them. I too thought of her and how much I long to be with her and have her share in my life.
I love you Nick, and I am so grateful that we have eachother, our brothers, fathers and our significant others. But as women we share a special bond, and I love you very much. And I know in my heart she is watching over us every day :)
I remember the day we stepped off that plane from London... the day your world turned upside down. And I remember all the flowers spilling a powerful fragrance from your house in Selah... crazy how time can march steadily on and yet stand still in your heart. Thanks for posting this beautiful and vulnerable tribute. No doubt your mom is proud of you!
Jocelyn, you are an amazing young woman. I am so proud of you and your Mom would have been tickled with the person you have become. Your ability to put a pen to paper is truly a gift from God. Your words come alive on paper and I know you can ALMOST make me feel what you are feeling but I know that is not totally possible. I will never ever know what you are feeling when it comes to your Mom and my bestest bestest friend ever. Your Mom and I were a twosome of the foursome. Julie and Pete were the other twosome of the foursome. Your Mom was someone very very special. I know no one who was like her. I know that I will never have another friend like her. I loved the childishness about her. I loved everything about her that made her exactly who she was. You kids were her A#1 priority and her reason for living. She was one of a kind!!! I miss her so much!
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