From Africa to Boston

We arrived back in Boston 24 days ago and my timely note to you went by the wayside along with my "to do" list.

Sitting here now trying to formulate words to express the past 24 days, tears well in my eyes as I realize laziness is not the cause for my delay in writing, confusion is.

On April 7, a small portion of my journal entry reads:
So this is my 5th night in Africa and I continue to hate it. I totally resist everything about it and don't know why. I am so over rice and beans...I am so unhappy. What a bad and strange feeling this is. Everything I say is so negative. I feel like my passion and zeal to be here has been lost and replaced with bitter resentment that I stepped on the plane. Shoot I wear myself out just listening to myself complain...I should stop fighting everything and go with it. After all, God is in control. I should have faith enough to go and work where He places me though I don't see how this will fit. Hmmm... maybe that is not for me to figure out...

Adam arrived in Uganda on June 22, safe and sound and our time together was beautiful. I was able to take him out to meet the Tabula Essuubi group (the 16 people who participated in the Seeds for Change project). We were able to go on a number of home visits so he could meet group members and see the varying levels of implementation of the project. On Thursday we departed for a two night stay at a very nice lake near the border of Rwanda where we had an opportunity to go on a long hike and canoe in the Eucalyptus canoes. Saturday I said my goodbyes to my host family and we departed for Kampala where we spent the night in preparation for our trip to Kenya on Sunday.

While I had hoped to take Adam to the local places I had found myself in the three months prior, I really wanted him to have as nice of a time as possible so we went to the market, I purchased produce and I cooked some meals and we dined out for a few at the nicer places in town. I am not sure why I was amazed, but I was, that when I walked through town with Adam the amount of harassment I experienced was minimal to non-existent. The beckoning for a Muzungu from all the taxi drivers was silenced as I strolled hand in hand with my husband through the uneven dirt roads. In the week he was in Masaka I don't recall a single individual requesting I give them money or hop on their Boda. I found myself more than aggravated that I wanted him to see what the experience was like and the Masaka he witnessed was almost like an act.

Adam was able to meet some of the fellow interns, the Dr.'s who treated me when I fell very ill, the taxi driver who was a stalker and the gracious woman who offered her guest house to me and an opportunity to work at Vi Agroforestry.

My host family welcomed Adam with typical Ugandan hospitality. They cooked an enormous feast and had new placemats out and pots and pans that looked like they were just purchased. Dishing up our plates then sitting around the couches in the living room we sat almost in silence as Adam experienced a more bountiful nightly meal. My host mother was nervous and anxious, she pulled me aside when I dished up apologizing for lacking proper drinks (most Ugandan's don't have beverages during meal time and I didn't think to bring any since I was used to having my water bottle with me) - I assured her he was fine and the lack of drinks was not an issue as we were so thankful for the plentiful meal.

After a sudden and unexpected drop while descending into Kenya, we stepped off the plane excited for our Safari. The Safari company was there on time and we were off on our vacation. I think the experience exceeded both of our expectations in terms of excitement and splendor. The accommodations were magnificent, food - delicious, and more often than not we sat silent in the car in astonishment with creation.

In our first day we saw "The Big 5" (Lion, Leopard, Rhino, Elephant and Cape Buffalo). Apparently this is extremely unusual and according to our driver and staff at the different camps, very few people ever see the Big 5, let alone in their first day. As the days passed we continued to see more and more astonishing animals. How they cohabitate together was fascinating and witnessing Lions on the prowl was breathtaking. From a distance we would witness the animals exist in their habitat, but part of me wondered how much longer people would be able to partake in such a beautiful observation.

We saw a baby hippo, guesstimated at 4 days old. We saw lion's mating, eating and resting after they have had their stomach's fill. We took a small motorboat into the water to see more hippos and baited fish eagles by throwing small fish into the water. We saw the sun rise and the sun set in the park and even had an opportunity to celebrate Adam's birthday at a surprise campfire and lantern lit celebration.

All in all, the Safari was an amazing experience and we are very fortunate and privileged to have had the opportunity to travel together and see such creatures and landscapes.

While mentally I was good and ready to leave Africa, emotionally I grieved as if leaving a love. Perhaps I am still there and thus my 24 day delay in writing.

London was beautiful, though the weather left much to be desired and arriving the day after the Wimbledon finals created much traffic on the streets and at the tourist destinations. Our first morning at the hotel I found myself with 3 plates of food from the breakfast buffet with everything from cottage cheese, to waffles, grapes, strawberries, crudités and cold cuts. Embarrassed, I devoured everything on all three plates as Adam politely ate two fried eggs and a slice of toast. By the time we arrived I had flat run out of steam - I was so ready to be home and longed for the comforts I often associate with home I found enjoying the moment in London difficult, which is regrettable as our activities were fun and the sites were spectacular. I was simply ready to be home.

I knew leaving Africa would not be easy. I recall the perspective shifting experience just four years earlier when I returned from my very short two week stay in Sierra Leone - I could only imagine how the transition back would be after three months. At the hotel restaurant in London I requested ½ of a waffle. The waitress returned to tell me the chef was unable to make ½ a waffle and I "shouldn't worry", simply eat what I want and throw the rest out. I questioned her - "the chef cannot use ½ the batter though the waffle maker is one size and just serve me whatever comes out?" She politely smiled and reiterated I shouldn't worry about throwing the other ½ of the waffle out. Perhaps this was a silly point for me to hunker down on, but I had just consumed more in any single meal than I have in conceivably my entire life and I just wanted a tiny bit more of a waffle and I didn't want to waste the other half. I quickly realized how hard it would be to be out of Africa.

Driving from Logan, through the city and arriving at our house I was amazed with all the little things. Grass had grown, construction that once was had since finished and new structures were erected where a few cones tapped off with "caution" tape had been just three months prior. I kept reminding myself no longer was the beginning of spring upon the city but summer was in full swing (though many would argue based on our recent weather). I felt like I had missed a whole season, the flowers blooming and grass sprouting as the dull dead city came to life after the winter. For heaven's sake the Red Socks are in full swing and I missed the kick off with the Boston Marathon and the Patriots Day game.

Entering our house I felt like a foreigner. You know that feeling you have when you're in a car for a really long time then you get out and still feel like you're moving? Well I had that feeling... standing in my kitchen looking around at the clean space, bug free with working doors and water, clean running water that I could drink right from the tap if I so desired. Though with all my heart I desired to leap for joy and find comfort that we had arrived safely back home; my heart sank... why me? Why do I deserve any of this? Why is privilege and opportunity so often bestowed to those born here or there when it passes over so many for no fault of their own?

The first week and a half I would go to bed around 8 and get up around 4 or 5 and hop on-line hoping a fellow intern would be on-line so I could chat with them... not because we were friendly in Africa or because I think we'll ever see each other again - but simply to have a shared experience with someone.

I certainly was ready to come home and am thankful to be here but feel so utterly disconnected on so many levels from almost everyone. I am sure with time, all will pass and I won't feel as if I'm conflicted in almost every situation and pretending in others - but what if it doesn't? Or what if I am better off this way and more capable to make change living in such a conflicted state?

Surprisingly, I went on a job interview two weeks ago. Fresh off the plane still working on communicating in an eloquent fashion I utterly dive bombed in this interview. I wanted the job so bad based on the description. The position was for a program coordinator of their Africa project. I would be involved in all aspects of the program coordination from budget, to administrative, and project planning, implementation and even 25% travel to the project for monitoring and evaluation. It was a combination of everything I have ever wanted in a job and to be asked to come interview when I hadn't even applied only increased my anxiety. Fumbling over my words, I was able to contain my tears until I exited the elevator as I felt an opportunity of a life time slip through my fingers.

Now of course I know this is not the case and the appropriate job will come along at the "right" time but that knowledge sure did not stop the sting of disappointment in my performance for a job I desired so deeply.

Tomorrow, I begin a month long intensive Graduate Certificate program at Boston University. Based on my review of the Syllabus and initial preparation readings so far, the course seems to reiterate things I have already learned in my Master's degree and from my time in Uganda; however, having an "official" certificate to add to my resume may come in very handy - besides I could use a bit of intellectual stimulation and routine to help break me out of my funk.

On the 29th of August I will walk at a small graduation ceremony and accept a diploma for my Masters of Science in Global Studies and International Affairs... adding that to the certificate in Design, Implementation, Monitoring and Evaluation of International Health Programs, I will have just completed from Boston University I will hopefully be able to get a job in the international development arena working in the area of health in one aspect or another.

I am here, at home, I have all the blessings in the world it seems and I am utterly depressed. It is a very strange thing. I am grateful - I was before Africa and now I am simply conflicted. How do I take the time spent there, the opportunity to go and privilege to live and learn and work there and make a change in the world for good?

How do I share experiences without unintentionally making people feel guilty or sounding self righteous? How do I move forward?

Perhaps as I said only 5 nights into this adventure, I should just move forward even if I don't know what the future holds. I don't need to write the end, just be willing to be used in the story.